Want to Be Like That
by Jessiegurl43953
Summary: Yuki suddenly has to make the decision about what he’s more afraid of losing: Hatsuharu…or everything else.


Want to Be Like That

  
  
_When I was at my parents' house, it was like I was in a cage, being kept watched on by the main house and Akito. I was surrounded by ordinary people, and yearned for an ordinary life. That's why I left the house and began going to a coed high school.   
  
However, as it turns out, I haven't left the cage at all. I'm still living in a Sohma's house, same as before, and I can't associate with others very well. It's not that I…mean to reject others, but there's something about me that's awkward. And since I'm like this, I can't escape my feelings of inferiority, or my being frightened.   
  
But Kyo is different. He may not take well to those who he's unfamiliar with, but I think once you get to know him, he's the type of person that draws others in. Even if he can't become one of the Zodiac, I think it's better for one to be able to naturally get along with ordinary people.   
  
I wanted to be like that too._   
  
Hello. My name is Sohma Yuki, and for as long as I can remember, more than anything, I have longed to be normal. I have always wanted to escape the life I live, and considering the circumstances, I think that's understandable. People believe I'm so perfect and that I have everything in the world going for me, but actually I'm the polar opposite. Not only am I extremely uncomfortable around people and unable to join into a group, but I also belong to a complicated, secretive family controlled by a sadist. And if those things are good enough reasons for why I hate my life, I happen to transform into a rat every time a girl touches me or my body is under serious stress. I think you can get the picture.   
  
But, what really makes me upset, more than anything, is that I'll never be able to break away. No matter what I do, I'm here forever. Of course, it is a possibility that I will outgrow my shyness. And perhaps, by some wonderful miracle, I finally find a way to do away with my strict family and the curse. However, there are other things holding me to this life.   
  
Now, I know what you are thinking, but those other things aren't all the memories I have or the people who care for me, either. I once told our houseguest, Honda Tohru, that I am selfish, and I wasn't kidding. The people who care for me don't mean a thing and memories fade. Before, when I said "other things", I should have made my sentence singular. I'm trapped in this life, because of only one thing.   
  
When I was a child, the ruler of the Sohma family, Akito, kept me locked away from everyone else. I was sick often, and he used that excuse to isolate me and make me even more miserable then I already was. At first, I was all alone, but suddenly, a light appeared, brightening my world. This light held my hand in the darkness, wiped away my tears, concentrated on my troubles, and strived to make me happy. This light was my world when I was a child, and today, it still is.   
  
My light was my younger cousin, Hatsuharu. I know it isn't right to fall in love with someone who is the same gender as you, but I simply couldn't help it. Haru was just so kind, putting my wants and needs before his own. He helped me escape for a little while into a place where I could be myself. He saw a side of me that I was afraid to show, and he didn't reject me. His warmth was all I needed.   
  
The only problem with our relationship was the fact that I was too busy trying to fulfill my dreams of being ordinary. I pushed Haru away, because being gay isn't normal. Deep inside, I longed to stay beside my cousin, but I kept telling myself that I didn't want to be like that. That I didn't need Haru, I only needed normality. I got so caught up in trying to be ordinary, that after a while, it appeared as if I hated Haru.   
  
To make matters worse, Haru openly expressed his feelings of love for me. How could I juggle pushing the most important person in the world to me away and being normal, when that very person straight-out says, "I love you."? He flat out tells anyone who will listen about his feelings. I say it annoys me, but deep inside, nothing fills me more with admiration and excitement. I almost secretly wished that I could be more like him…almost.   
  
"Do you love me, Yuki?" Haru asked me once. When he said those simple, five words, I felt my heart clench up and my stomach twist. His intense, gray eyes were so serious at that moment that I felt like I was drowning. I had wanted so badly to tell him how I felt for so long, but the words didn't want to come out. I suddenly learned how to swim again, and I ended up telling him, in an angry, irritated voice, to quit acting silly. I walked away looking uncaring, but inside, I felt as if I were dying.   
  
Haru didn't leave me alone about our relationship after that, although he didn't push me. He had been the most understanding, patient man on the planet, and then there I was…selfish Yuki. I had only cared about my dream to pay any attention to his heart. I was such an ignorant fool. I hate myself.   
  
But, despite how perfect Haru appeared, his patience began to wear thin, which is to be expected. Over time, he gave me so many different chances, but I rejected him every time. I could see the anger flaring in his eyes, but he never criticized me…not once. However, he finally did decide to leave.   
  
When Haru told me he was going away indefinitely, something snapped inside of me. It was as if I had two personalities that had been battling: one fighting to fulfill my dream and a second that followed my heart and didn't care about what other people thought. And when Haru made his announcement, the second personality finally won. After all that time, I realized that I didn't need to be ordinary to be happy…all I needed was Haru.   
  
"Haru!" I cried out. He stopped, but did not turn around. "I don't want you to leave. You've given me so many chances to tell you the truth, but I never did. I always lied. I was afraid of what I was feeling, and even more afraid to talk about it. But I realized…I'm more afraid of losing you."   
  
Haru spun around to face me, his eyes wide. As we stood there, facing one another with mixed emotions spread across our features, I felt like everything I had been keeping inside all those years burst free. I no longer had any fear or confusion; I knew what I wanted to do. "I love you, Haru." I wanted to be with Haru…I wanted to be like that. 


End file.
